Dear Dad,
It's been seven months since I lost you and the pain keeps intensifying every day. I know that our relationship wasn't perfect, there was a lot of pain there for both of us. Underneath all my pain all I feel is anger. Not at you, but at the time together we were robbed of. I know I wasn't the perfect son, and I'm sure you know you did some things that hurt me deeply. Instead of trying to mend each other's broken hearts all we did was wait for the other to come back into our life. Both our doors were open to each other but we were both too proud to step over the threshold. Now you're gone and I'm still waiting for you. I'll be waiting for you until the day I die. I'm a little boy that is lost and scared without his daddy to protect him. I don't know what's going to happen to me now. I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and try and heal but try as I might I just can't put them back together. It hurts too much. I'm here alone in my grief with only memories of you. Your face is slowly fading from my memory and I'm fighting hard to bring it back because I don't want to have to lose you all over again. That would kill me. All I can say is that I forgive you for everything and I hope you forgive me as well. I can't change our past but I can try and live a life you'd be proud of. I'm moving to New York to go to medical school. How's that??? Your son is going to be a heart surgeon. Sadly there will always be a heart that I can't fully repair, and that heart is mine. It's too broken. I wish I could've been the son you wanted. I desperately wanted to make you proud of me. I wanted to give you grandchildren first. Now my kids will never know how much their grandfather would have loved them. All I ask is that you watch over me. I still need you no matter how hard I try to make the shell around my heart. No matter what man is in my life he'll always be second because my heart belonged to you from day one. I do love you dad, very much. I only wish I could've swallowed my anger and told you so before it was too late. I don't want you to be tethered to this world because of my pain. I want you to be at peace and know that your son is surviving. You created one tough little bastard. I'll keep moving on cause I know that's what you would've wanted me to do and when it's my turn to go I want you to be the one to take me to paradise. I love you daddy. Sleep well.
Until next time, your
Son,
Nathan Jr. (aka Peter)
